The Hall of Fame

Sir Clive Anderson OBE MBE

Sir Clive was widely regarded as the greatest Cricball player who ever lived. Certainly the most succesful player of his generation, guiding the LA Cockfighters to over 30 League Titles, it was also off the pitch that Clive made himself loved. Seen by millions as a working class hero, this model pro would often be seen helping old ladies with their shopping and rescuing cats from trees. Tragically, he was killed before his time, after a clumsy challenge by Noel Edmonds (for which he was given a 5 year prison sentence), and died of excess blood loss, aged 64. RIP Sir Clive, RIP. He is pictured here outside Cricball Association Headquarters in Soho.

Jimmy Saville

Jimmy was considered as one of the true characters of the game. His loveable antics both in the dressing room and at home with the manager's wife won him the status of 'pure gold' with tabloid journalists. An accomplished striker of the ball, and of women, Jimmy was a late starter in the sport, launching his career at the age of 80. He is seen here as part of the successful British Lions Tour of Bolivia in 2034. Jimmy has had his detractors over the years: "He smells of tinkle" exclaimed the Queen when making Jimmy a Knight of the realm in 2010. Jimmy was discovered dead in a Thai brothel soaked in his own urine, faeces and Old Spice. He will be sorely missed.

Martin Clunes

Martin was undoubtedly the player of the 2009/10 season. His average of 6 psyche-outs per game is still a record today, and indeed his methods set a bench-mark for the modern game. A notorious drunkard and womaniser, Martin was often seen wandering to training and public occaisions in a post-binge alcoholic haze (see picture). After joining Alcoholics Anonymous in 2012, he formed their Cricball team, which later became the biggest team in Hampshire. Martin caused an uproar in 2015 with his sham-marriage to Leslie Ash, followed by the sudden and mysterious death of Neil Morrisey. The investigation goes on. Martin then renamed himself 'Superbad' and withdrew himself from the AA, ransacking various stores such as the Portsmouth branch of Mothercare. There is an honorary statue made out of cigarette packets and bottles of Jack Daniels, erected in 2019 outside the rehabilitation clinic in Portsmouth. Martin is currently enjoying his retirement in Bognor Regis, where he lives with his wifelets, and 200 pack hounds.

'The Boss' is certainly the most acclaimed manager in the modern game. After a long and miserable life as an Aussie soap star, Lou moved to Shanghai, where he learned the rules of Cricball from a ladyboy called 'Kung-Pao'. Too old to play the game, Lou started his coaching career with the small Harold Bishop memorial XV, quickly passing on his encyclopedia of embarrasing insults. Having stormed the Oriental leagues, Lou moved to the English Smokey Bacon Crisps Division, and took control of a London Lepers team which not only boasted the talent of Clive Anderson, but also the untamed fury of Noel Edmonds. To protect himself from Noel and his gang of tuffs, Lou bought himself a small greyhound by the name of 'Bitch-tits'. The problem was solved, and Noel found himself reduced to taunting Lou from afar before the hound was released. Lou 'the potty-mouth' Carpenter, we saulte you.

Lou Carpenter

Sinbad Themovieactor

Sinbad was known on the pitch for his outstanding ability in potato-sack races. His screams of 'I lurve to sin' could be heard for many a mile when bumflicking opponents. He is pictured here inside his much acclaimed 'Sinbad's hospital for hormonally challenged anxst filled teenagers', playing with the teenagers he loved so much. But as with so many of these Cricball legends, Sinbad died in mysterious circumstances. He was found in his hotel room in LA, after an overdose of ice-cream, jelly and crack. Sinbad will be best remembered for being the first foreign player to grace the English Smoky Bacon Crisps Division. God Bless his soul. Clive Anderson, shocked at his friend's death, minted this commemorative 2p coin (only redeemable at participating Spa outlets).

Mr T

Although Mr T only played 1 game of Cricball in his lifetime, he played a stormer. In just 2 innings for the LA Cockfighters (after the injury of Paul Daniels), Mr T saved every shot put at him, keeping out legends such as Paul Hogan and Vanilla Ice, before suffering a fatal heart attack at the final whistle. Shame.

Noel Edmonds

The most hated man in Cricball history. No-one has been sent off more times in a career than this man. Seen here recieving his award for 'dirtiest player of the season' 2008/9' from top umpire Uri Geller. Noel was a whore (but only in a Cricballing sense!), playing for 18 different clubs in just 7 seasons. He is responsible for the deaths of 4 fellow professionals and at least 5 cats. The 'Freaky Bearded Dwarf', as his colleagues like to call him, will best be remembered for assaulting a crowd at a game in Matlock, scoring seven headwounds, giving out 17 broken legs, and administering over 200 nippletwists. Well done Noel - the King of Sting.

Macauly Culkin

SuperMac is still one of the game's best at dishing out psyche-outs. It's not that it's a talent of his, but ever since being abused by Michael Jackson as a child, he screams at the sight of golf gloves. And as seeing that this is the official goalkeeping uniform of Cricball, you can imagine that this can be offputting when taking a shot.

Rory McGrath

Rory is without question the modern game's most famous keeper. Throughout his teens (and even today) he built up his massive wrist strength through excessive masturabtion. Rory likes to call this process 'hubjubbing', and his prowess in this area means, that he can deflect shots safely away from goal. The highest paid player in Europe, and definitely the coverboy of the modern era, Rozza has used his talents to the full, milking the plaudits whenever possible. If he isn't reminded how great he is at least 20 times a day, he runs off, crying into his room, where he 'hubjubs' for hours on end (thinking of Gary Linekar).

Mathew Lorenzo

Mr Lorenzo became the world's most expensive player, when in 2006, he was transferred from Sky to the LA Cockfighters for a staggering £80,000,000,000 and a packet of pork scratchings. This move brought instant success for the club, with shirt sales rocketing, and Mathew himself scoring over 500 points that year.

Paul Daniels

Paul 'Pimp Daddy' Daniels was the shining light for the Melbourne Magicians when the club was nearing financial ruin. Not only did he Captain the side and guide them to the Hall Cup, he also managed to 'arrange' the love-lives of all of the board of directors (for a small fee of course). This is not a success story without sorrow though, as his lovely wife Debbie McGhee ran off with Martin 'Superbad' Clunes to be one his wifelets. Poor Pimp Daddy died of a broken heart. He is pictured here catching a wayward effort from Cyndi Lauper in the Hall Cup Final.

Chevy Chase

Chevy joined the Cricball movement after the 80s, when his movie career came to an end. It was still and underground phenomenon at this time, and Chevy worked hard to get it recognised as a sport for the Athens Olympics in 2004. He took part in many protests, including the famous Bangkok Cricball Riot, when 2000 supporters of the game stormed Woody Allen's house (no motive has yet been discovered). Chevy died last year, his final words being: "Hey Russ!"

Steve Guttenberg

Steve, like Chevy, was a martyr of the new game. Known as 'The Lord of the Dance' by his friends, he failed an audition of the broadway show 'The Steve Guttenberg Story', driving him to insanity. He was befriended by the also unemplyed Chevy Chase and Tom Selek, forming their own team 'LA Revival'. Steve was tragically killed by a rampant Wildebeast in a less than tasteful home-movie. Pictured here in his finest 80s period drama clothing, in an attempt to psyche out Jimmy Saville.

Tom Sellek

Tom was nicknamed 'the traitor' by his fellow peers after a successful return to acting in the series 'Friends' in the mid 1990s. He was immediately banned from the LA Revival team, being sold to nearby rivals Facial Hair XII. He is seen here celebrating a particularly good 80s night out. He was murdered by Steve Guttenberg, who claimed that: "I just wanted to bust his bushy chops!"

Paul Hogan - Crocodile Dundee

Paul Hogan never really lived down his movie persona 'Crocodile Dundee', as was shown in a tour of the subcontinent, locals would run up to him screaming 'That's not a knife, this is a knife!'. Convicted of Stalking a Miss Tanya Russo in 2002, he was sentenced to 3 years imprisonment, where he sent letters to a Mr Ed Hall (written in his own blood). He left prison a rehabilitated member of society, and joined the Melbourne Magicians, where he discovered a talent for twatting the ball as hard as he could. He is now retired, and living in a house that overlooks Miss Russo's garden.

"I'm gonna get that Ed!"

Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice is synonymous with the phrase 'Psyche-Out' in the Cricball dictionary. His mere presence at a game would leave the opposition unable to take kicks due to fits of uncontrollable laughter. When asked why he had these effects on other players, he replied simply: "Word to ya mutha!". What a guy.

Ce Elsler

Ce Elsler was a mere student in the small Italian town of  Pavia in 2002. At the age of 40 (when he realised that he would never graduate) he moved to London to be closer to his sweetheart Shami Musafer. When she kicked him out, nothing was left but to play Cricball with his middle-aged friends Rosalino, Toro and Paolo. They became quite talented, and by the time they were 50, had become part of the Italian National set up. Ce now has 15 cars, 20 Playboy model wives, and has graduated no less than 120 times at his own personal university. Shami is very jealous, seeing as she still works in Burger King. Ce is pictured here, imprisoned for drowning kittens in Milan.

Perry Groves

Perry once had an illustrious career as a professional footballer for Arsenal FC and then Framley Town FC. When the football bubble burst, Perry was forced to tour the country, performing his amazing long throws at village fetes and tombolas. It was then that he was spotted by London Lepers manager Lou Carpenter. He was immediately signed up, and never looked back. He was second choice kicker behind Sir Clive Anderson, leading to a spate of abuse from Noel Edmonds. Oh how Noel would beat him. Endless nippletwists and bumflicks would be endured in the changing rooms. Perry currently lives in Framley with his 40 children and exhausted wife.

David was famous in Germany for his chart-popping tunes, but then he became a Cricball pro with the Dusseldorf Swagmen. Under his captaincy, he led the swagmen to a record 6 European Tea Cups, and recorded the Cup Final song 6 years running (and because they were written and performed by him, they went straight to number one in der hitparade). He was an immaculate finisher, and the sheer number of Cup Final songs he sold (such as his famous number 1 'I want to soar like an Eagle over a sea of Freedom') means that he has earnt immortality in the Cricball annals. 'Big Dave' is pictured here after extensive dental surgery to make one of his teeth look permanently like a cigarette.

David Hasselhoff

Peter Stringfellow

Unheard of outside England, Peter was one of the game's first great goalies. He played in his own team: 'The Peter Stringfellow and his 10 pretty dancing girls XI'. He closed down his famous Gentleman's Club, and moved to Cardiff, where he financially backed the refurbishing of the Millenium Stadium, renaming it the 'Stringfellow is f**king gorgeous Stadium'. He is pictured here in his famous pose for putting off potential goal scorers. Peter died last year after living in his iron lung for over 2 decades. He leaves behind 100 wives and countless millions of illegitimate children.

Humphrey Weasel

The youngest ever professional Cricballer didn't enjoy a successful career, but his inclusion in the Dallas Mallrats starting line-up was an achievement in itself. He suffered with his health, lacking the genes which prompt puberty within humans, and stayed at the height of 4 foot 4, until his death last year. Humphrey wasn't 'bashful', preferring to take press conferences with a pinch of salt, punching cameramen and pinching their behinds. He is pictured here during his 30th birthday party after the consumption of 14 cans of Carlsberg special brew. He passed away peacefully in his jeep, whilst doing 70 mph on the motorway.

A well-known tuff in the Bradford area, Les was spotted by agent Wurzel Badger whilst smoking crack in a side-street. During a long and gruelling training period, Les eventually returned to match-fitness, and was signed by the Newport Swankypants. After 5 successful seasons (in which Les was the club's top scorer, and the club qualified for Europe), Les passed his driving test, and spent 2 years finding the perfect car. He looks back on those days with fond memories. He now smokes crack again.

Les Dennis

"Yep! That's the car for me!"

Nigel Foster

Nigel started life as a Hollywood movie star, acting in such films as Road Trip, until tragically in 2003, had his shins blown off by a gang of Law Student Tuffs in Cardiff. From that day on, he stood at only 5 foot 3, and battled against the advances of Grannies all throughout South Wales. One day, he was pushed too far, and when asked: "Would you like a lollipop young man?" by an elderly lady, he kicked her, and she flew into the path of an oncoming bus. After his prison sentence, Nigel signed for the Cardiff Maxibons, and scored half their season's final points tally. Although in the winter of his career, he still plays professionally for CC Rumpipump of Swansea.

Timmy was truly a legend of the game. Having been barred entry from the Newport Swankypants for being too 'zany', he formed his own team: The Wackaday Geblahs (C). This small club suffered hugely as a result of the pink felt makers strike of 2006, but overcame it with the creation of their new kits and mallets out of pink Lycra instead. Timmy played 20 years at the club, before retiring and taking control of the board full time. Now at the very pinnacle of the game, the Geblahs are widely regarded as the best contemporary team on the planet, with the largest fan-base and most successful marketing empire. The club shifts at least 5 million pink and yellow mallets per year, and Timmy is married to his childhood sweet-heart Jason Donovan. Congratulations Timmy.

Timmy Mallet

Not a Cricball player, but a much respected Cricball agent. During the game's infant years, Mr Badger set up 'Dingle Danglers' the Cricball representation firm. His firm personally handles the affairs of over 75 percent of the Smokey Bacon Crisps Division's players, and is the majority shareholder in the LA Cockfighters. One of the wealthiest men on the planet, 'f**king posh c**t' as he is called by Noel Edmonds, or 'moneybags' as he is called by everyone else, can only go downhill from here on in.

Wurzel Badger

Bill Gates

After the dismantling of the Microsoft Corporation in 2004, Bill had to find a new way to waste time. He noticed the huge financial rise in the sport of Cricball, and decided to and watch a London Lepers game. To his suprise, he found the sport highly entertaining (and later admitting that he found it somewhat erotic). He never left the game, and still presides within his seat at the Leprosy Arena, eagerly awaiting the next match. Widely recognised as Cricball's biggest fan, he has been known to start off many of the clubs' ugliest moments, including the infamous 'I'm gonna get you sukka' riots of 2006. He is pictured here, staring adoringly at Clive Anderson on his way to the 2 run line. Bill is now single again, and awaiting his first meeting with David 'The Heart-throb' Hasselhof.

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